March 18, 1997

Dear Diary:

Weather today -- nice
Mood today -- much better!
Fly count for yesterday -- 0
HF -- 72%

Despite all the bruises on my butt from all the loving kickings my friends have given me over the past couple days, I stuck it out with Rudy and we've worked it out. I think things are actually *better* than before, as we both have a new appreciation for the other and are very conscious that this thing we call love can be blown away and destroyed in an instant. We spent a portion of the morning arguing, and then just decided to put it behind us and move on. It was kind of spontaneous the way it worked out..... I started talking about some of the emails I've received and things were suddenly okay again. Yeah, yeah... I know... I'm being a fool and taking the ostrich approach and all this is going to come back to haunt me. Save it. I love you all dearly, I hope you know that. But this is my decision, my life and my love affair and I'm doing what I believe to be right. If you don't like it, tough.

Rudy has written something he's asked me to send to each of you who wrote to me, so I'll be doing that soon. I know I'm lagging on answering your beautiful, loving and heartfelt emails to me, but I've been half waiting to see how this all got resolved and half waiting to see if Rudy wanted to add anything to my replies. He does, and it will be included. Please know that he wrote one stock response for everyone, so if his words are not 100% pertinent to your original letters, that's why. He is thankful that I have so many friends who care about me and that you all took the time to write and support and uplift me while I was in such pain. And he agrees with every one of you who wrote that he's a jerk, an asshole, or whatever other derogatory terms you chose to use. Fully 90% of the mail I received encouraged me to forget him and walk away, but you know, I'm really glad I didn't. I don't think I'll make the mistake of defining my own worth in terms of his love again, but I'm so happy things are back to normal and that we're comfortable with one another again. It was really awful there for a few days, when all we could do was snipe at one another and say hurtful things and read more into the other's statements than was intended. In spite of the things I've said about him here, he does love me well and completely. And he shows that love in a million little ways, most of which I'd started to take for granted. Yes, I'm glad this all happened. I shan't take him or his love for me for granted again.

I got the most amusing letter last night from someone whose award I applied for. He added me to a page of links that are all submitted links. He doesn't check the pages out himself and doesn't pretend that he does. But he says on the page "If you get tired of all the really cool links I have spread out over my page, here are some pages that aren't quite as good..." Excuse me, but where does this guy get off lumping pages he's never seen into an "aren't quite as good" category? Is he the King of Links, who believes that only those links he finds himself are worthy? I'm sorry, but I haven't earned 378 awards only to be stuck into some "aren't quite as good" category. I wrote back a fairly sarcastic and nasty email asking him in pseudo-polite terms to remove me from said page at once. Then *he* wrote back to let me know my letter hadn't "made his day".... like his had made mine!.... and told me it took 15 minutes for my main page to load (poor guy... seems like if he can afford his own domain name, he could afford better than a 2400 baud modem) and that he didn't care how many awards I've won and that I wasn't getting his. Ha! Like I really expected to after I berated him for his tactless and unfeeling choice of words on the page. I neglected to point out that "grateful" isn't spelled "greatful" (which he felt I should be for the free link regardless of of the fact that he termed my site as second-rate), which I now regret, but oh well. I wrote back a rather scathing reply and told him that I've provided not one link to his crappy site but *two.* And I gave him an award for links. :) I haven't heard from him again... can't understand it. He seemed like the kind of man who would have to have the last word. If you'd like to see this unselfish and loving gift to the entire web community, just point your browser to Jack's Wonderfully Wide World. Oh, and be sure to sign his guestbook. He seems to get miffed if you don't. I always thought signing guestbooks was optional and what one did when particularly impressed with a site, but I guess I've been operating under delusions these past seven months.

I know you're thinking "what a BITCH" right now. But when it comes to my site, yes, I am a bitch. I've worked literally thousands of hours on it, poured my heart and soul into it and I'm darned proud of it. I won't have it belittled by some two bit schmuck who doesn't even have the decency to check it out himself. Touchy? Yep. Defensive? Oh yeah. Out of line? Perhaps. But I get too many emails telling me my site is good and I get too many guestbook entries saying the same thing to believe otherwise. I *know* it's good. And I know it's only going to get better. I have tons more pages planned, lots of ideas that I haven't seen done anywhere else, and I'm not going to just lie down and let some penny ante links king rate my page as "not as good" as the other links on his site. I am a redhead and a Pisces and those two things combine to make me one of the biggest bitches online when the situation calls for it. And I make no apologies for that. Yes, I have an ego, and yes, it's fairly swelled most of the time. I won't pretend otherwise. But hey, if you don't like it, you know where your back button is! If this Rudy business taught me anything, it's that I don't need to pretend modesty when I don't feel modest or humble. I am proud of who I am. I *like* who I am. I've striven many years to become a woman whom I can like and respect, and these people who would like to take that from me... they can just go find someone else to belittle and devalue. It ain't gonna be me.

Now that *that* rant is over, I'd like to tell you all that I am profoundly grateful for the support, love, butt kicking and concern you showed me while I was hurting so much from Rudy's attack. I can't ever repay that kind of kindness. I know that a lot of you got on the web grapevine and broadcast to others that I was in trouble, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I received no less than 53 emails of support (some of them left-handed support in the form of swift kicks to my posterior) and words cannot express my profound gratitude and appreciation. I love each and every one of you and if you ever need me, I'll be there as best I can be. I even got letters from complete strangers, who invariably prefaced their letters with, "You don't know me, but...." and then went on to tell me the most intimate details of their lives. How can I repay that? I can't. Please know that I will answer each and every email individually, but it will take some time. Right now I need to focus on getting several pages updated so that various projects don't slip through the cracks or fall by the wayside. But I *will* write to each of you, and just because I've been lax in responding thus far does not mean I don't care or am not appreciative. On the contrary: some of the letters I received are so profound and moving I don't know *how* to respond. To one and all, thank you for your honesty, your sharing and your forthrightness. These are traits I value very highly and you've all come through in spades in that department.

I got another letter in my email that ticked me off for a while, but now I'm just amused by it. This one was from a woman, quite well known on the web, who visited my NARC site and wrote to ask if NARC covered "piracy" (meaning the theft of copyrighted and original images or sound files). First it annoyed me that she couldn't simply read the NARC pages for herself and draw her own conclusions. Second, it annoyed me that this is a woman to whom I have sent graphics now and then over the course of months that are in keeping with the theme she's created on her website. I've never received an acknowledgment that she got them, let alone a thank you. And now she wants my help with someone who's ripped off her copyrighted midi. I have a little file on my d: drive called "mailto" in which I put stuff I think others might like.... friends who have certain themes or ideas for borders I think one of my border-designing friends might find interesting... that kind of thing. I've put quite a number of images relavant to this woman's page into that file and indeed sent them to her. I think she has a lot of gall requesting my assistance after basically ignoring me for the past six months. Now that I've simmed down about the issue, though, I'll write back with as much assistance as I can provide. Heh. Her letter opened with "Do you remember me?" I'm going to allow for the possibility that she never received the graphics I sent and operate under that premise. I guess this is one case where extreme bitchiness on my part isn't really warrented (though I would dearly love to go off on her!).

Super secret Elly encoded disappearing ink message to Agent CKFR: I love you, honey! I'll see you at 10 am as arranged. This message will self-destruct in five seconds. If it fails to do so, please eat it and don't poo where anyone might be able to retrieve it. God, I'm so crude sometimes! :)

Next Entry | Return to Diary Index | Return to Elly's Slice of Cyberpie

Copyright (c) 1997 Elaine M. Jordaan

This page last updated April 29, 1997