April 9, 1997

Dear Diary:

Weather today -- way too early to tell
Mood today -- melancholy
Fly count for yesterday -- 0
HF -- 89%

I got to spend nearly three hours online with Rudy last night (early this morning, actually) but it wasn't enough. It never is. We discussed some interesting things, like my idea for a business and a way of life called polyamory. The latter is a new concept for him and one he is having some difficulty understanding. Thankfully, I have friends who will be able to explain it much more clearly than I. Hopefully Rudy will be able to embrace the idea, as it's one I would like to put into practice in my own life but is, by definition, something my partner must agree to and be involved in.

My yearning to be with him grows stronger every day. I'm not quite sure how much longer I can take being apart. And I know he feels the same way. It's such a fantastic feeling to be totally secure in someone's love and to love them the same way. I have never once doubted Rudy's feelings for me and I don't imagine I ever will. At least, I hope not. This complete trust and devotion to one another is fabulous and something I've never really experienced before, at least not to this level. It made me quite melancholy to log off from him just now.

Part of our philosophical discussion centered around the ability to love more than one person at a time. Even though I know he's capable of doing so, he took the role of devil's advocate and made me explain my beliefs about the issue in great detail. That's good, since it always helps me clarify in my own mind what I'm thinking when I have to articulate it for someone else. The point I was trying to get across to him is that I believe humans have enough love to give that they can love more than one person at a time. Obviously, this is so when it comes to families. But I'm talking about non-platonic love. The example Rudy used was "John," not a real person. He asked me if I loved John, would that mean I'd be having sex with him. I tried to explain that I would be open to the possibility, but it would depend on a number of factors, not the least of which is whether Rudy would be okay with that.

I also tried to explain that what I feel for him (Rudy) goes so far beyond the physical that if we were never to consummate our relationship I would be okay with that. Sex would be a nice part of the relationship, but one that isn't all that important in view of the depth of my commitment to him in terms of soulmatedness. It's more important to me to be with him, care for him, snuggle and cuddle and take walks on the beach at sunset. Furthermore, I tried to explain that with anyone else I might love and entertain the thought of becoming sexually involved with, I will not feel that same level of commitment. There is no one else that I want to spend the rest of my life with the way I do Rudy. He had a hard time with my being able to separate out sex and love. He kept trying to get me to classify love as either platonic or eros love, while I insisted that love is love and can or cannot include sex as part of it. He then proposed the idea that sex is a subset of love, which I pointed out isn't necessarily true since many of us have, in the past, engaged in sexual relations outside of love. It was an interesting discussion and I think he's found some things to think about. I'll be delighted if he can accept my views, and even moreso if he can actually embrace them, but I don't have any expectations along those lines. It's enough for me at this point that he's willing to discuss these kinds of matters openly.

All of this serves to bring up the 'mystery man' I've been spending time with. I'm also getting to know his wife and enjoying her company very, very much. They're such a terrific couple and I'm honored to be friends with them. It's kind of strange.. this flirtation that is going on both between the husband and myself and the wife and myself and having both of them sitting there watching the screen the whole time! This polyamory stuff is truly fascinating. But it feels so *right* in so many ways. It just feels like this is how adult human beings are meant to be... freely giving of love to others with the full knowledge and approval of the spouse while still being completely committed to that spouse within the confines of marriage. This is something I've thought about for many years but never had a term for... I had never heard of polyamory until meeting these wonderful people. It was exciting, even electrifying to read about this kind of lifestyle on someone's homepage and identify with it so completely. It's what I've been searching for. I just hope that Rudy can understand that none of this means I love him any less. If anything, I love even more for considering it and being open minded about it. I have great admiration for this other couple, too. They are serving as role models for me, showing me that what I have always believed could be possible can indeed be put in to practice successfully.

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Copyright (c) 1997 Elaine M. Jordaan

This page last updated April 29, 1997