a few troubling conclusions - Thursday August 09 2001

You can tell a lot about how hot it is by how long the cats become. Today Edna the kitten was about forty or fifty feet long, forming a narrow rope of cat material laid out along the floor past every narrow gap through which wind might pass. Meanwhile Noah the fluffy grey cat was coiled like an anaconda around the base of the toilet bowl. I gave them an ice cube to play with and they approached it as if it was an interesting idea, but then abandoned it to melt into a puddle on the floor.

While soaking my heel in salt water tonight, I watched a videotape of the movie Bob Roberts about the folk-song-singing fascist who runs for Senator of Pennsylvania. My favorite thing about the movie was the scary-looking family of rabidly pro-Bob Roberts young men in khaki trenchcoats. (Here's a link which is more critical of Bob Roberts.)

In the course of conversations and personal reflection, I've gradually come to a few troubling conclusions about myself and my relationship to the world:

1. Contrary to what I've long thought, I don't really have anything especially unique to offer the world.
2. Contrary to what I've long thought, I'm not all that radical, wild, crazy or shocking, and furthermore, I never really was.
3. I'm selfish and lack human warmth and empathy.
4. I'm fascinated by society but deep down I'm scared of interacting with it in any meaningful way.
5. Alcohol is a boring drug but for some reason I like it anyway.
6. I dedicate too many of my thoughts to the relative sexiness of women I see on the subway.
7. I am fundamentally lazy and often take the easiest course of action, even when it leads to complex life changes.
8. I have too many interests and talents to properly focus on any one in a meaningful way (facilitating #1).

I do, however, have a new project in the works that can hopefully pull me out of this chasm of self-doubt.