women wear dresses and boys wear pants - September 04 2002

Quick! You have to take a massive shit and you need to use the bathroom or else the shit will take place within the close confines of your clothing. You're in a public place with nary a bush in sight. You see a bathroom. How do you know whether it is a men's room or a lady's room? The men's room will show the outline of a man wearing pants. The women's room will show an outline of a woman wearing a nice little dress. Why? Because women wear dresses and men wear pants. Despite occasional evidence to the contrary, this is the case even in this day and age.

While many people have the impression that women long ago gave up their skirts and dresses so they could wear the pants in their various relationships, this misconception is manifestly untrue. When I walk down the streets in Manhattan on most days, the majority of women are wearing dresses or skirts, particularly on workdays and weekend nights. Either these women wish to avoid wearing pants, or else they think other people want them to wear dresses. Either way, they've clearly made the decision to slip into a skirt or a dress before making an appearance in public. Speaking of slip, many of these women also wear skirtlike undergarments that, while not obvious as they walk about on the street, reveal themselves the moment they sit down and cross their legs, particularly on the subway.

While it's true that in some places in the great unwashed American hinterland, women still prefer to wear the pants of manhood, this is merely a reflection of the primitiveness of asexuality, something from which progress is taking us. Eventually even Nashville will be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st Century and its women will trade in their blue jeans for the skirts and dresses of today. Until they do, I shall personally restrict my travels to the two coasts where the men are men and the women wear dresses. Any other system of attire is barbaric anarchy.

Another issue of concern is the many role models young girls have as they grow up in these times. Seeing powerful women in powerful places wearing pantsuits with $5 Eckerd shoes is surely causing mass confusion, especially when girls' own personal experiments with pants wearing result in cases of confused gender identity. Indeed, many women report that when they wear pants they are mistaken for men. One recent Saturday night I saw a group of women languishing until 2:30 am in a bar, hopelessly waiting to be picked up. But they were completely ignored by the many attractive heterosexual men who happened through. Why? They were wearing pantsuits, perhaps in emulation of the misguided First Lady Barbara Bush. I interviewed a few of these men and all of them were surprised to learn that there were any available women in that bar that night.

Meanwhile, many young girls have recently begun wearing pantsuits of tin foil in emulation of the new webcomic sensation known as Mindmistress. Again, what sort of future can these girls have if they continue wearing pants in a world where their gender identity is intimately tied to the skirt or the dress? Say what your want to about the satantic or otherwise non-Christian influences of Xena, Warrior Princess, at least that lady wears a dress!

HR 675-81B, an important bill that would mandate gender-appropriate clothing for men and women, is currently languishing on the floor of the House and the Senate. I urge you to call or write your congressman and get this bill passed. Then we can all rest peacefully at night knowing our daughters will look like ladies and our sons will look like gentleman. Anything less is gender confusion, not unlike what happened to languages at the Tower of Babel. The consequences in this case, of course, are far more dire.