I'm a freak of nature - Sunday June 13 1999    

Being the kind of guy who is fascinated by evolutionary anthropology, I found myself reading an article today in Salon about male nipples. Unfortunately, the article was designed from the start to be a comic piece. I don't usually appreciate that particular style of writing, the kind where every sentence is mission-bound to scream "I am a humour piece, aren't I just the funniest thing you ever read?" I much prefer a more subtle, calmly tongue-in-cheek, sardonic style. Most articles in Salon actually are written this way and are plenty funny without being annoyingly so. I particularly loathe gratuitous humour in an article purporting to present scientific facts. Am I supposed to take these "facts" with a grain of salt? If so, I can't really be bothered reading it.

Despite all of these objections, the article was actually rather interesting. The most fascinating "fact" I learned from it was that embryonic mammals go through a phase in which they have two parallel ridges of special "milk tissue" extending from their armpits to their groins. Nipples can appear anywhere along these ridges, but are mostly limited to specific places depending on the species. Extra nipples, however, are not uncommon. In humans, the article explains, these nipples are often mistaken for moles.

I read this and I froze. For as long as I can remember, I've had big dangly moles in each of my armpits. Once I'd been concerned that these were possible cancerous, especially after my mother told me that moles sticking decidedly out of the surface of the skin were "something to be concerned about." But these particular moles were different. For one thing, they were absolutely symmetrical on both sides. For another, they were vaguely (and thus uncomfortably) erogenous to the touch. And unlike most of my larger moles, those in my armpits have no hairs growing out of them.

Examining the "moles" today, I realized that they are precisely the size, shape, and texture of my other, "normal" nipples. As far as I can tell, they don't contain erectile tissue, but being in my armpits, the poor little guys are a long way from home.

It's amazing that I had to wait until I was 31 years old before I learned I was a freak of nature. Tucked away in my armpits, my freakish nipples were shielded from view from even the cruelest of schoolyard bullies. This brings up an interesting anthro-evolutionary possibility. Because armpits (especially hairy male armpits) are generally invisible to other humans, the selective pressures that have honed other observable human features into perfection through the generations haven't been as ruthless here. It's similar to the sloppy job God did with the seam connecting the two halves of our bodies together between our legs. Nobody looks there, so God says, "That's good enough; now I have some prayers to answer."