especially ugly fight - Monday November 15 1999    

I was slammed with work all day today. There were times when different teams from different parts of the company were standing in line at my desk just to get access to me. In the middle of all this I got a call from Kim wanting to know why I wasn't returning her calls or answering her emails. It did no good to explain how busy I was; she assumed, I think, that I'd been in a closet all day getting my penis sucked by some random co-worker girl. That this wasn't a rational explanation for my unanswered communication didn't matter; I was dealing with someone who was a long way from rational. Not only that, but Kim was expecting me to discuss all her issues while others were sitting near me; there was no private place I could go to talk on the phone. Besides, the way I saw things, there was absolutely nothing more to say. I wanted to be left alone so I could do my job and have some sort of effect on my inbox.
During Kim's second phone call (coming as it did so quickly on the heals of her first), I was so fed up with Kim's pathetic behaviour that I hung up on her. I knew that this wouldn't be the end of things, but I didn't really have a choice. The conflict wasn't important enough to justify disturbing my co-workers.
When the phone began ringing again, I went off to the bathroom. By the time I returned, Kim's calls had become a receptionist issue. I told Karen (the friendly new African-American receptionist) that I wasn't to be disturbed and she dutifully fielded the call for me. Ah, the luxuries of a full staff specialists!
But, as I feared, my troubles with Kim had yet to be laid to rest. Again I was surrounded by pushy E-commerce types when Adam (one of the half dozen or so VPs of marketing) came in to tell me that a "woman in black" was outside waiting for me. Shit. She'd turned into Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. As if I wasn't working hard enough, now I had to go drive a stake through the heart of a vampire!
As I marched out of the building with Kim following sheepishly behind me I announced that I hoped this would be short and sweet. Outside in the grass behind the sister office building I informed Kim that I couldn't live like this any more and I informed her I'd be moving out. "Nooo!" she pleaded, adding, "What about Sophie?" - as if Sophie was our human daughter. I didn't care. I just wanted Kim to go away and never cause me pain again. I didn't love her and I told her so.
Kim's retort was a monologue about how much I'd changed since we crossed the country together in her Volvo. She said I'd sold my soul to my corporate job, and that humble little Kim didn't interest me anymore. I said that none of this mattered, that I didn't want to live with a jealous, pathetic girlfriend, that I just wanted to be free and live my life alone.
But such wishes didn't give me the peace and quiet to return to work. In order to earn the freedom to escape from Kim, I had to promise to actually come home tonight. So I promised. This wasn't much of a concession, but at this point Kim couldn't be too fussy. At the last minute she tried to interest me in seeing Sophie, freshly back from her weekend vacation in North Park, but I waved them away and went back to work.
But my suffering for this fucked-up situation was far from over. Not only did Adam the VP of Marketing (among others) want to know if I was doing okay, but the head receptionist informed me that Kim had been abusive to the other receptionist and that I had to reach my own understanding with people in my personal life and not depend on the receptionists to handle my psychotic friends for me.

When I came home from this taxing day of work, I didn't know what to do with Kim. I was still wanting to break up, move out and be free, but she wouldn't hear of it. I told her I could see all the craziness of her psychotic mother in her actions today and that I had no interest in living with such a woman for any amount of time, let alone the rest of my life. I told her that her actions today were pathetic and unbecoming. Why couldn't she just let me be free?
Somehow, though, my heart gradually lost its hardness. By bedtime I didn't really want to sleep with Kim, but (inertia being what it is) I did anyway. My resolve was broken. It was easiest not to rock the boat. The relationship lived on.
Knowing I would write about this stuff, Kim wrote the following piece for my readers:

I never would have needed reassurance about The Gus' love for me had he not fucked with my head last night when we were driving home from L.A. (after spending a weekend sharing some very sacred moments in tantric ceremony and eco-healing mind you.) Interestingly enough, The Gus and I were involved in a heated debate about the the vitalist vs. the mechanist approach to energy. All of a sudden our discussion switched from the life force/energy argument into the discussion of dreams. I shared with Gus that my dreams were fairly joyous but sometimes represented my fears and insecurities, especially when we had arguments. Around that time I told Gus to use "I" statements in his dialogue with me because I was getting confused with what he was saying. So he replied slowly with what appeared to be real honesty, "When I dream, I dream of the various girls that I am obsessed with at my workplace." (He went for the jugular, as this is my deepest fear you see.) Then he appeared to cover his tracks by saying, "No I'm just kidding about that I just wanted to punish you for making me use "I" statements." Just out of the blue this happened. There wasn't much that led up to this weirdness, except a long ride home to San Diego and a magical weekend together, so this comment did not sit well with me.

The next morning, I went to my Somatic dialogue and briefly forgot about the issue. When I came home I felt really weird, I guess I was still processing from the weekend of unveiling so much shit. I'm sure Gus will explain more about the emotional work we did in the workshop and the powerful Native American "fire breath" exercise that we and about twenty of the other workshop participants did together. I will briefly explain what I went through... During the fire breath exercise, which lasted about 45 minutes, I evoked the demons and heralded the angels using physical awareness, sounding, and the calling out of images. I did manage to work through a lot of the painful energy stuck in my pelvic area from my endometriosis but the experience left me feeling quite drained and vulnerable, especially after the ride home. So I decided to call Gus at work hoping we would have a brief but loving conversation that would help to clear my feelings. Stupid fucking move. He hung up on me telling me that he had too much work to do and he didn't have time to talk, even for five minutes. My intention was to truly resolve things right then and there so I called back. Stupid move again! Then I got crazy Italian and actually drove to [company I work for]. I was somehow under the impression that we would see each other and everything would be ok, but that didn't happen. The Gus told me that he couldn't take my emotional hangups and he wanted to break up with me. Would I do this to him? No fucking way. I would be there for him anytime he needed me. People go through shit in life damnit. Certain people are only there for the good times I guess. So Blessed Be. That my friends is the beginning of the breakup of Kim and The Gus. Poor Matt Rogers. Will he have to do his "woo hoos" in two separate San Diego residences now? Damn, I really loved this man. I MEAN I REALLY LOVED THIS MAN. It is going to be extremely difficult to say good-bye to him, but I will if that is what he wants. He is going to be a tech-millionaire soon so what reason is there to hang out with a girl from Downriver Detroit, especially one who is a "New Age Nutcase." He is on his corporate path with lots of exciting adventures to follow I'm sure. Or could there still be a chance that he will decide to love and respect me and not taunt my fears? Because believe me he did taunt my fears, he'll even admit to having a sadistic side. It now seems ironic that he left the last entry before going to Los Angeles with the words, "does Tantra come from the word to taunt." No Gus, Tantra is a sanskrit word which means to expand and liberate. So, Gus my darling I set you free to do what is in your heart, to choose another road if that is what you need to do.

Peace and love to you all out there in cyberspace. --Kim

--and Sophie too

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