Hello and welcome to the nation-state where us Rednecks live proud and free, our mullets flapping softly to the beautiful songs of Faith Hill.
To get by in Redneckistan takes a lot of luck: either winning the state lottery or suing the doctor who delivered you (on account of how he went and dropped you on your head like a damn fool). In the meantime, you might as well go have yourself some fun. Buy a twelve pack of Coors, sit out on the back stoop with a shotgun and do some target practice on the buzzards. If God didn't intend for you to be shooting buzzards, He wouldn't have given them wings to fly, now would He?
When night time settles on the holler, bats make more challenging targets. Also be sure to stick around for the bug zapper fireworks. But don't stay out too late; reruns of WWF wrestling come on at midnight! You might want Jimmy Sue to climb up there on the roof and turn the antenna first. If she's been misbehaving (and she usually has been, hasn't she?), it might be she needs a good ass whupping. Send her brother Billy Sam down to the creek and have him fetch a whupping stick from the willer tree. It don't pay to send Jimmy Sue to fetch her own whupping stick, on account of how she always gets one too dad-blasted thin.
We're looking to push our northern frontier north through Canada to meet up with brethren who have nearly consolidated control of Alaska. If you are from Canada, please write the webmaster and ask for instructions on how best to seize Canadian weapons depots, post offices, public libraries, radio stations, and other key military targets.
Snakes are bad. They are of the devil. I'm especially concerned about those weird hybrid snakes that happen when rattle snakes breed with black snakes. It's miscegenation, pure and simple, with all the disadvantages and orneriness you'd expect when a black breed makes children with a poisonous breed. My preferred solution for dealing with snakes of any sort is to beat them on the head with a baseball bat and then hang them on the fence as an example to other creatures who might consider slithering around with no legs. I'm shocked by the number of carpet baggers moving into the new "suburbs" (especially in Alpharetta, Georgia) who won't take the time to kill their snakes. Will they not think of the children? I've been talking to my local Congressman to get a law passed requiring landowners keep up their land, including killing their snakes, spiders, groundhogs, and black birds.
I hear tell that the bags carried by the carpet baggers (those fellers from New York who came to the Confederacy to run our affairs after the War For Self-Control) were really made from ground hog hide. It stands to reason. Ground hogs are about as no-count as a critter can get. Shooting is too good for them, but shooting Ground Hogs is one of the best ways for an upstanding teenage boy to spend a Saturday. Every now and then someone digging turnips in their garden gets hit by a stray bullet from a ground hog hunt, but it's just one of the risks of rural living. No judge would ever convict a ground hog hunter for the occasional incidents of friendly fire accompanying the War on Ground Hogs.
Faggots, all of them. They fight with their feet, fuck with their faces, and their food has the fragrance of feces. Enough said!
I used to like 'em back when they used their mouths for sangin'. But now they done went commie on us, talkin' trash about our President over somewhere where folks talk all funny-like. To me, they're no-count bitches. If I hear 'em on the radio, I swear to God I'll never tune in that station again. They ought to quit their singin' and trash talkin' and use their mouths for something useful, like suckin' on my pecker.
It may look like Chinese food to you people who eat dogmeat on Christmas and think it's Kosher, but those little guys with gill slits, tails and big heads are PEOPLE! God done ready gave 'em souls, and it's WRONG to kill 'em. Thankfully, in most places in Redneckistan, we have laws that say a girl who gets knocked up needs Daddy's permission before she can cross state lines and have the little person inside of her killed. I know if my little girl came to me asking for such a thing, I'd send her brother out for a special big willer stick. Ass whuppin time!
If I ever catch someone burning a flag, an American flag, that is, I will not stop, I will not hesitate. I will not tarry, and I will not abide. I will catch that coward by the neck and choke him until he's blue. Then I'll pull out my 12 gauge shotgun and blow his crotch away and leave him to spend the rest of his life wondering why he was such a fool to do something that ended his days as a man. In the meantime, I'm a firm supporter of an amendment to the constitution protecting the flag against any sort of desecration. I also support a prayer in the schools amendment, a bible-is-the-only-meaningful-book-in-America amendment, an anti-abortion amendment, a sanctity-of-Christian-marriage amendment, a gay-people-must-be-jailed amendment, a satan-is-wrong amendment, and a pro-spanking parent's rights amendment.
Velveeta - the ultimate ingredient in Redneckistani cuisine
Creation Science FAQ
Intelligent Design - a good way to win atheists over to the fact of Creationism (if you don't shoot 'em first).
Coors - the most Redneck of beers.
Walter Miller - nice boy (though he might be gay)
Alliance for Marriage - if God wanted men to marry other men, not only would He have made Adam and Steve (not Adam and Eve), He would have made it feel good to have something stuck up your bung hole.
A service of randomly ever after.