The Lobster Liberation Front (or LLF) was founded in May of 1996 following circulation among the Big Fun community of stories concerning Saint Megan, who, legend has it, once marched into a grocery store, spent $150 for live lobsters, drove them to Virginia Beach and set them free.

A number of devoted followers of Saint Megan's example, most notably Matthew Hart and the Gus then allegedly went on a nationwide rampage, breaking into grocery stores, stealing lobsters (sometimes at gunpoint) and using an elaborate relay system of accomplices to ensure the lobsters' arrival at their natural oceanic homes.

If you wish to join the lobster liberation movement, take the following steps:

1. Get a mask so that the hidden cameras will not be able to photograph your face.

2. Get a big gun. Those pimply-faced clerks who work at the seafood counter sometimes like to play the role of hero. Big guns curtail this urge.

3. Get a fast non-descript car with good suspension. The first leg of the journey to the sea is the most hectic one and often requires high velocities, sharp cornering, and sometimes off-road interludes. But when your charges are happily in the ocean, think how you will beam with pride!

Here is Reginald. He was rescued from a Kroger in Detroit and released off the coast of New Hampshire at an undisclosed location. He might well have ended up as a limp reddened corpse eaten by suburban yucks at one of those obscene back yard lobster cook offs. But thanks to the Lobster Liberation Front, Reginald swims free.

Here is Gerald. Far from complacent, Gerald pinched the hand of his attempted murderer, a house wife in Peoria, and, following an epic struggle over a boiling pot of water, managed to jump to floor, scurry out the door, and into the waiting hands of Lobster Liberation Front operatives, just arriving in from Chicago. He was released safely into Long Island Sound.

You can send us mail at hotwater@hotmail.com

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