I never would have needed reassurance about The Gus' love for me had he not fucked with my head last night when we were driving home from L.A. (after spending a weekend sharing some very sacred moments in tantric ceremony and eco-healing mind you.) Interestingly enough, The Gus and I were involved in a heated debate about the the vitalist vs. the mechanist approach to energy. All of a sudden our discussion switched from the life force/energy argument into the discussion of dreams. I shared with Gus that my dreams were fairly joyous but sometimes represented my fears and insecurities, especially when we had arguments. Around that time I told Gus to use "I" statements in his dialogue with me because I was getting confused with what he was saying. So he replied slowly with what appeared to be real honesty, "When I dream, I dream of the various girls that I am obsessed with at my workplace." (He went for the jugular, as this is my deepest fear you see.) Then he appeared to cover his tracks by saying, "No I'm just kidding about that I just wanted to punish you for making me use "I" statements." Just out of the blue this happened. There wasn't much that led up to this weirdness, except a long ride home to San Diego and a magical weekend together, so this comment did not sit well with me.

The next morning, I went to my Somatic dialogue and briefly forgot about the issue. When I came home I felt really weird, I guess I was still processing from the weekend of unveiling so much shit. I'm sure Gus will explain more about the emotional work we did in the workshop and the powerful Native American "fire breath" exercise that we and about twenty of the other workshop participants did together. I will briefly explain what I went through... During the fire breath exercise, which lasted about 45 minutes, I evoked the demons and heralded the angels using physical awareness, sounding, and the calling out of images. I did manage to work through a lot of the painful energy stuck in my pelvic area from my endometriosis but the experience left me feeling quite drained and vulnerable, especially after the ride home. So I decided to call Gus at work hoping we would have a brief but loving conversation that would help to clear my feelings. Stupid fucking move. He hung up on me telling me that he had too much work to do and he didn't have time to talk, even for five minutes. My intention was to truly resolve things right then and there so I called back. Stupid move again! Then I got crazy Italian and actually drove to [company I work for]. I was somehow under the impression that we would see each other and everything would be ok, but that didn't happen. The Gus told me that he couldn't take my emotional hangups and he wanted to break up with me. Would I do this to him? No fucking way. I would be there for him anytime he needed me. People go through shit in life damnit. Certain people are only there for the good times I guess. So Blessed Be. That my friends is the beginning of the breakup of Kim and The Gus. Poor Matt Rogers. Will he have to do his "woo hoos" in two separate San Diego residences now? Damn, I really loved this man. I MEAN I REALLY LOVED THIS MAN. It is going to be extremely difficult to say good-bye to him, but I will if that is what he wants. He is going to be a tech-millionaire soon so what reason is there to hang out with a girl from Downriver Detroit, especially one who is a "New Age Nutcase." He is on his corporate path with lots of exciting adventures to follow I'm sure. Or could there still be a chance that he will decide to love and respect me and not taunt my fears? Because believe me he did taunt my fears, he'll even admit to having a sadistic side. It now seems ironic that he left the last entry before going to Los Angeles with the words, "does Tantra come from the word to taunt." No Gus, Tantra is a sanskrit word which means to expand and liberate. So, Gus my darling I set you free to do what is in your heart, to choose another road if that is what you need to do.

Peace and love to you all out there in cyberspace. --Kim

--and Sophie too