Friday, July 18 2003
Oh, the joy my email brings me! In my darkest hours I receive missives from sex-starved slut-bunnies and close relatives of African political celebrities. The other day, on the 16th, I received the following email from a young woman who must be some sort of internet admirer:
Hey there sweetie!! Well, I finally dumped that loser I was telling you about a while back. Man he sucked at everything. He didnt even want to do waht I wanted in the bedroom! I love anal sex and he would never Fuck me in the ass! He never used any of my toys on me or let my best friend join us for a threesome. I like public spontaneous sex ALOT! He'd never do it! Not in a bathroom or anything. I want to be fucked in the ass while in a public place. Whats wrong with fullfilling that for me. I lie to try kinky shit he was just not having it. Anyways, I hope your alot more fun than he is. Come by a visit me really soon so we can see if we are compatible sexually. My handle is JessicaShowers. All my good pics are up!! See ya soon!!
I don't know how she got my email address, but I have to assume she stumbled into one of my webpages and took a shine to my dazzling intellect. I've heard that the internet is a great place to find that special someone. But Jesus, how often is that special someone a red-blooded guy's dream come true? Here's a chick who left her boyfriend because he wouldn't fuck her up the ass and wouldn't allow her best friend to join in on a threesome! I wonder about that boyfriend. What the hell is his problem? I have to meet that guy!
A few days before that, I received this email from none other than the son of Zaire's former president. Yes, humble little me getting an email from Joseph Mobutu Sese-Seko.
You may be surprise to receive this email since you do not know me.
I am the son of the late president of Democratic Republic Of Zaire,
President Mobutu Sese Seko, ( now The Republic of Congo, under the
leadership of the son of Mr. Laurent Kabila). I presume you are aware
there is a financial dispute between my family ( THEMOBUTUS ) and
the present civilian Government. This is based on what they believe as
bad and corrupt governance on my late father's part. May his soul rest
in perfect peace. As you might have heard how a lot of my father's bank
account in Switzerland and North America have been frozen. Following the
above named reasons, Iam soliciting for your humble and confidential
assistance to take custody of THIRTY Million United States Dollars
( US$30,000,000.00 ), also to front for me in the areas of business you
These funds have secretly been deposited into a confidential Security
Company, where it can easily be withdrawn or paid to a recommended
beneficiary. The funds will be released to you by the Security Company,
based on my recommendations, on that note, you will be presented as my
partner who will be fronting for me and my family in any subsequent
ventures. Myself and my mother have decided to give 20% to you if you
are able to help us claim this consignment.
We have also decided to give you any money spent on phone calls or
traveling expenses in the course of this transaction at the end of
Please, I need your entire support and co-operation for the success of
this transaction, your utmost confidentiality and secrecy is highly
required, due to my family's present predicament. I sincerely will
appreciate your willingness to assist us as soon as possible. I am
presently in the refugee camp here in the Netherlands under the united
nations refugee camp in Netherlands and I can be reached on phone number
+31-630-067-740 or E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more
information on how we can proceed in this transaction. Please indicate
your interest by sending your telephone and fax number or call me up at
anytime. I sincerely will appreciate your acknowledgement as soon as possible.
Joseph Mobutu Sese-Seko .
Is that awesome or what? I was about to respond to this very lucrative offer, but then I received one from a Nigerian gentleman who needs to unfreeze US$60,000,000.00. The blind hand of the marketplace is expressing itself in an embarrassment of competing opportunities! I've always thought of myself as a pretty damn good funds-thawer, and now it looks like my talents are finally getting the recognition they deserve.
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