Your leaking thatched hut during the restoration of a pre-Enlightenment state.

 

Hello, my name is Judas Gutenberg and this is my blaag (pronounced as you would the vomit noise "hyroop-bleuach").



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   what it takes to be five star
Wednesday, August 13 1997
    Children are specially-wired to pick up words from context, and it never makes sense to speak to them as though they are retarded.
    I

    'm really growing to like the show on Nickelodeon Jr. called Pappa Beaver Tales. Today I noticed a subtle trick the script writers are using, one I use myself when dealing with children (it may surprise you to learn I have done a lot of babysitting in my day). The show doesn't speak down to kids. It makes use of a rich vocabulary loaded with big words, words that many adults don't understand. These are words you can't hope to hear in most adult programming, let alone children's broadcasts. The intent is devilishly clever: to expand children's vocabulary by immersion. Children are specially-wired to pick up words from context, and it never makes sense to speak to them as though they are retarded.

    What was so creepy about it was that neither were drinking any alcohol the whole time.
    T

    he recently shorn guy who hung out yesterday with Deya was back at it again. The two killed considerable time together in the living room. What was so creepy about it was that neither were drinking any alcohol the whole time.
      Last night, however, Deya was drinking Mad Dog while her new friend drank nothing.
    I felt uncomfortable with the whole thing and chose to hang out in my room alone rather than sit and watch teevee with them. I didn't want to be some third wheel on a racing bike, if you know what I mean.

    I ended up falling asleep. When I awoke, Matthew Hart had me go to Farmer Jack to buy beer for him. This lack of a beer-buying ID is driving him nuts.

    W

    e also discussed the situation with the guy hanging out with Deya in the living room. His name is Steven, and apparently back when all these guys attended Tandem School, he was madly in love with Leah. But Steven has the misfortune of being a dork and the world wasn't made for dorks; Leah showed him the hand. Instead of taking the defeat like most normal people would, he became obsessed in an unhealthy way that led to all sorts of strange and dangerous things which I should probably not further describe.

    Matthew Hart is intrigued by the new thing with Steven and Deya. Said Matthew, "That's the closest he's ever been to a girl." Matthew asked did I think they were going to go wild. I said I suspected they would. We're both interested in what results and agreed to avoid affecting the results in any way.

    They have no appreciation for the food value of the meals they fix, the food is just a commodity they knock out for a living, like workers at a dog food plant
    Matthew also described his new job as a prep cook at the Blue Bird Café, which started this week. He says he does the chopping and slicing for a couple of "brothers" who make up the cooking staff. The first thing they asked him was did he drink and did he smoke. Matthew was disappointed to discover an entirely different attitude among the staff of the Blue Bird Café from the one that prevails at the equally pricey C&O. The cooks at the Blue Bird don't understand why anyone would pay $20 for an entré when they could just get a $2 cheeseburger at McDonalds. They have no appreciation for the food value of the meals they fix, the food is just a commodity they knock out for a living, like workers at a dog food plant. They won't even taste the sauces they use; the stuff is completely alien from what they like to eat. By contrast, at the C&O, the cooks love the food they prepare. For them it's a combination of art and fundamental biologic pleasure. Sure there are cockroaches and plumbing problems, but they take personal pride in the meals they prepare. They approach recipes with creativity and are sensitive to customer demands. This must be why the C&O is a five star restaurant and the Blue Bird isn't. You can't really make excellent food unless you love it and can imagine yourself eating it.

    They offered him a beer, they gave him extra pizza sauce for his spaghetti, and the called him "Monster Boy" compulsively.
    B

    ack at Kappa Mutha Fucka, Matthew Hart prepared homemade pizzas and then went off to pick up Leah at her new job as a waitress at a restaurant called Southern Culture. She has to wear flowery dresses when working there; when she comes home she's a bizarre sight to behold. Today the bartender told her she's a "cute broad."

    Normally Matthew Hart and Leah call Monster Boy "Monster Fruit" or, more recently, "Monster Fag." They're completely disgusted with his lack of a real job and by his dorky behaviour, especially his not loaning Matthew his ID on one occasion. But today, they decided to be nothing but nice to him. They offered him a beer, they gave him extra pizza sauce for his spaghetti, and the called him "Monster Boy" compulsively. Why? They're sweetening him up so they can get him to make another ID for Matthew. His age and looks are close enough that Matthew can use his ID mostly without difficulty. By contrast, my age isn't credible on an ID carried by Matthew. Today it was barely credible on my ID carried by me. For some amazing reason, I'm extremely well preserved.


    They fit in my "hard to listen to but obviously creative" category.
    I

      bought two used CDs today; you know what that means, I'm now going to drone on about them for a couple paragraphs! The first was the Fixx's 1991 album Ink for $5 and the second was the self-titled 1995 Clutch album for $6 .

    Ink is a last-gasp of the 80s album from one of my favourite 80s bands. It showcases a group of musicians badly running out of creative juices, completely unaware of where the pop market was about to head (grunge), but trying so hard to please it. There are some terrible songs on here, but none worse than track five, "Falling in Love," which could almost be taken as a stab at the Whitney Houston market. A little punk influence was the revitalizing force that a band like the Fixx could have run with, but there's less here than on any previous album. I do like "How Much is Enough" because of all the radio play familiarity and because of the subtle emotional "sculpturing" of the singing. This is where Cy Curnin shows his genius.

    I was first introduced to Clutch in the early 90s by Jeff Brecko, Heather Bissel's old boyfriend. At the time they seemed really rough and crazy. They fit in my "hard to listen to but obviously creative" category. How would I describe the music? It's sort of a ZZ-Topesque redneck heavy-blues band with the wit, voice and folksy charm of Tom Waits, the brutal mantra-like simple relentlessness of Korn. Of course, Clutch came before and no doubt influenced Korn, but Korn went on to become a much more popular band. I've never been a big fan of the bluesy guitar, but it's not all that way. Sometimes it's more like late 60s acid rock. The simplicity of the guitar makes up for many of my objections. I suppose I should mention that of course, in a hard-rock album of this late vintage, there's the discernable token hip-hop influence in some of the songs.


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