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Monday mornings miserable
Monday, June 14 1999
The one thing that makes Monday mornings miserable is the Monday morning company meeting. Today the Grand Pooh Bah told us that of course the whole idea behind the new management system, a system based on precise metrics and mechanically-calculated bonuses, is for all of us to "make more money." He doesn't see any reason for all of us not to be earning "six digits" by the end of the year. Now if that doesn't get us behind the new system, I don't know what will. The only problem is that the numbers don't add up. If you take the impressive-sounding figure allotted to bonuses for the frantic summer season and divide it by the total number of employees, the figure you get is about a fifteen hundred bucks a person, which, given the grandiosity of the Grand Pooh Bah's remarks, is just this side of pathetic.
Winding up every meeting is the company cheer, which goes like this: "[Letter] [Letter] [Letter] [Letter] [Letter] [Letter] [Letter], [Company Name], [Company Name], Rah Rah Ree! We know what you want, it's more money. Get that nation on!" I'm absolutely serious. I wouldn't be able (or willing) to make up something quite that embarrassing. I still harbour a wish that I worked for a genuinely cool company, especially when I see our scrawny, sycophantic accountant putting his very soul into that very flawed little cheer. With that kind of energy, it's difficult to see how we'll ever mature beyond your basic multi-level Ponzi scheme.
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