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Hello, my name is Judas Gutenberg and this is my blaag (pronounced as you would the vomit noise "hyroop-bleuach").



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   two types of sunflower seeds and an embarrassing piss stain
Saturday, June 12 2021

This morning Gretchen drove off in the Chevy Bolt to meet up with some of her old college friends in Northampton, Massachusetts, where she would be spending the night. Meanwhile, I had some supplies I needed for my day alone, so after walking the dogs in the forest, I drove with them to the shopping center in Uptown where the Ghettoford and Herzog's is. Herzogs was having some sort of outdoor mini-festival related to indoor paint. There was even a DJ with a sound system, though I didn't see any refreshments. I went into the Ghettoford to get supplies for making pizza, cans of beans, shelf-stable packets of Indian food, and diphenhydramine. Then I went to Advance Auto Parts to buy a replacement for the 12 mm rubber hose that seems to be doing all the leaking on the Subaru. I was unsure what the hose was called or even what fluid it was leaking, and the guys at Advance weren't all that helpful. I ended up buying three feet of rubber hose with a 12 mm outside diameter and a 6 mm inside diameter, along with some hose clamps, for a little over $9.
Then I went to Herzogs to buy sunflower seeds. I'd tried planting my own sunflower seeds earlier in the season, but the ones I'd produced last year were 100% infertile, as were some older seeds from years that had produced fertile seeds. So today I hedged my bets by buying Helianthus giganteus from two different seed companies, hoping that if one of them produced infertile seeds, the other wouldn't, or that the two would cross-pollinate and result in some hybrid vigor. As I was doing all this, I had to piss really badly, and evidently I managed to leak out enough piss to produce a wet spot on my shorts. When I saw that, I decided to cancel my last stop: the liquor store. I do not like walking around in public with a visible piss spot on my trousers.
On the drive home, I pissed in a beer can, a sloppy procedure that drenched the front of my shorts.
I ended up doing what I often do when I'm alone in the house: I drank a series of alcoholic beverages, ate some cannabis, and watched a fair amount of YouTube. At some point I made myself a pizza with one of the remaining crusts from a little over a week ago.

[REDACTED]


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